Millerna-hime, P.H.D.
by The Impressionist
Summary: What would happen if Millerna ACTUALLY became a doctor. God only knows....


Princess Millerna, P.H.D.  
  
It all began with an innocent trip to the doctor's office. A flu   
epidemic was traveling through Gaea. It seemed to be affecting everyone.   
All the physicians seemed to be busy. Only one person in all of Gaea was   
free.  
"Hello, Millerna Aston will be your doctor today. She will see all of   
you in just a moment." The secretary handed a stack of forms to Van, Allen,   
and Hitomi, all of whom had caught the flu.  
"Achoo! Look at all these forms! This is ridiculous! Millerna-san   
knows us!" Hitomi yelled, an annoyed look in her eyes.  
"Hitomi, we should just do as we're ACHOO told." Van replied   
calmly. Allen simply nodded his head, accompanied by an agreeable grunt.   
Mearle pulled on her lower eyelid while sticking out her tongue out at   
Hitomi. Hitomi crossed her arms and turned her head to look at Van.  
"And what is SHE doing here?!" Hitomi shrieked.  
"She just wanted to help out, Hitomi." Van said.  
Mearle bounded over to Van and began to nuzzle on his arm.  
"Van-sama!" She cooed.  
"The doctor will see a Mister Allen Schezar." A perky young nurse   
ushered Allen into the office. He slowly sat down on the metal bench. After   
waiting for a few minutes, Millerna walked in, blushing crimson.  
"A-Allen!" She cried. Allen sighed under his breath.  
"Well, um, let's just examine you. Why don't you slip into this?"   
She asked, handing Allen one of those backless hospital gowns. His eyes   
bulged as she brought it out.  
"Ah, Millerna, I just have a case of the flu, I don't think I need a full   
check up." Allen sighed. Millerna's face scrunched in dismay.  
"Damn. Well, uh, I'll just check you up then." She replied. After the   
gown incident, the appointment went smoothly. Millerna wrote up Allen a   
prescription. The prescription read: Viagra.  
"I think that's right for your symptoms. Yeah. I think so…" Millerna   
mumbled as she handed Allen his medicine. "Now, take these every hour on   
the hour." Allen took the bottle and left the room without a word. Once   
finished with Van, she gave him an anti-depresant and told him to take it   
every hour on the hour. To Hitomi, she gave medicinal marijuana. She told   
her to take it every hour on the hour.  
  
"Achoo! Achoo! Gatti!" Came the shrill cry from inside the Zaiboch   
floating fortress. Once the blonde haired Dragonslayer rushed into the room,   
Dilandau slapped him across the face.  
"D-Dilandau-sama." Gatti replied, as he lowered his head.  
"Get me the Nyquil!" Dilandau screamed.  
"D-Dilandau-sama, I think we're out. Shesta caught a cold and used it   
all…"  
"CHESTA!" Dilandau yelled.  
The other blonde haired Slayer dragged himself to answer Dilandau's   
summons. His nose was flaming red and his eyes were blood-shot.  
"Dilandau-sama." He said, his voice miserably monotonous. He   
snuffled and coughed and rubbed his nose on his sleeve while Dilandau   
glared murderously at him.  
"Did you use the -Achoo!- Nyquil, Shesta?" Dilandau asked, his left   
eye twitching.  
"Yes, Dilandau-sama." Shesta replied. Dilandau slapped Shesta   
across the face. His face scrunched when he noticed his hand was now   
covered in Shesta's snot. He leaned over and wiped it on Gatti's collar.   
Gatti's eyes bulged as he stared at the stain.  
"Fine! I want to go to the doctor! Now! Now! NOW!" Dilandau   
shouted.  
From behind, a black mass floated over to Dilandau, the only noise he   
made the sniffling sound of his runny nose.  
"Folken?" Dilandau asked slowly.  
"Mmm." He grunted through a few hoarse coughs.  
"What's the matter with -achoo!- you?"  
"Sick." Folken replied shortly.  
"GATTI!" Dilandau screamed. Gatti's face briefly looked up from   
the stain on his collar.  
"Yes, Dilandau-sama, still here." Gatti replied.  
"Oh, um, yes well…DALET!" Dilandau yelled. After a few minutes,   
Dalet ran up to Dilandau.  
"Hai, Dilandau-sama."  
"Get the Alseides ready! We're going to the doctor's!"  
  
Once Millerna had a moment to rest, she looked over the prescriptions   
she had given for the flu. Viagra, Anti-depresant, and medicinal marijuana.   
She smiled.   
"I'm the best doctor in the world!" She yelled. After being said, the   
roof was ripped off the office by the giant red Alseides.  
"MOE-" Came a voice from inside.  
"No Dilandau!" Screamed another voice.  
"Awwwww…"  
Millerna screamed in terror as Dilandau and Folken stepped out of the   
guymelef. She began to run for the door, but a firm iron hand latched to her   
shoulder. She began to scream louder. Then Dilandau clapped his hand   
over Millerna's mouth.  
"Now, you will give us a check up, or we burn the rest of this office to   
the ground." Dilandau said, his voice calm and clear.  
Folken stamped his foot. "You said I could turn it into my bachelor   
pad!"  
"We BURN it to the GROUN!" Dilandau shrieked.  
"Hmph." Folken sighed.  
"Now, we're going to let go, and you're going to give us both a check   
up at an affordable price and a lollypop if we're good boys. I like the red   
kind, but only if they're cherry. Folken likes the green kind, if it's lime."  
"Yummy." Folken said.  
"Get it?" Dilandau asked. Millerna nodded her head up and down.   
They both let go.   
"Well, um, who's first?" She asked cheerfully.  
Folken blinked and stepped up. Millerna began to inspect him, after   
struggling to get the cape off. Her eyes bulged when she saw the metal arm.  
"Oh my! You have a metal arm!" She yelled.  
"Well, it really isn't my arm." Folken muttered.  
"Oh yes it is! It's attached to your shoulder." Millerna smiled. "I'm   
a doctor, I know these things."  
Folken smiled. "Well, you see, I lost my arm and…"  
"You lost your arm? It's right here." She replied, tapping the metal   
arm. "I sometimes forget where my arms are too!" She giggled idiotically.  
"You're a physician?" Folken asked.  
"A what?" She asked.  
"A DOCTOR!" Dilandau shreiked.  
"Oh, that, yeah! I'm a physician-whatsit!"  
"Oi." Folken sighed. The rest of Folken's check up went as smoothly   
as it could. Millerna prescribed ritalin. For Dilandau, she prescribed an   
herbal energizer.  
Folken's eyes bulged when he saw his prescription. "Ritalin? Are   
you sure that's right?"  
"Herbal? I'm not taking any herbal crap!" Dilandau yelled. Folken   
was beginning to get another one of his migraines between Dilandau's   
screams and Millerna's stupidity.  
"Please Dilandau, lower the decibals…"  
"Huh? HERBAL! HERBAL! HERBAL!" He screamed at the top of   
his lungs.  
Folken sighed as he rubbed his head. "Let's go…" He muttered as   
they climbed into the Alseids and took off.  
Once outside the vicinity of the office, Dilandau began to navigate   
through the trees. He began to sneeze violently.  
"I can't take any more!! Arggghhhh!" Dilandau screamed as he   
popped a pill in his mouth.  
"Dilandau, no! It says not to take them while operating heavy   
machinery!" Folken protested.  
"Also says 'Thou shalt not kill', but I never listened to that one –  
Achoo!- either!" He screamed and popped in another pill.  
"One at a time Dilandau!" Folken said.  
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Dilandau shrieked, the energizer   
beginning to take effect. The trees began to get closer together and Dilandau   
started to swing the Alseides side to side, breaking random branches.   
Folken's eyes began to bug and he took one of his pills. Then Dilandau   
plunged Alseides down into a canyon, laughing maniacally and attempting   
to light it on fire. Folken's eyes drooped and he began to look around   
slowly. Dilandau manuevered the Alseides out of the canyon and into a   
meadow. He screamed something about crashing and slammed into the   
grass. The cockpit opened and Dilandau and Folken popped out. Folken   
lay, deadly still, face down in the wildflowers while Dilandau began to   
giggle. He opened the container and took yet another pill. Folken sat up,   
slowly, and blinked.   
"Wwwwwhhhhhaaaaattttt hhhhhaaaaapppppeeeeennnnneeeeeddddd?"   
He asked, taking forever to spit it out, due to the ritalin and his naturally   
calm personality.  
"Alseides go boom! Boom! BOOM!" Dilandau shrieked, popping in   
another pill.   
"Bbbbboooooooooommmmm?" Folken asked.  
"Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!" Dilandau yelled.  
  
Over a ways, still in the same meadow, Van took his third pill and   
began to skip around, picking random flowers. He plopped down, humming   
a cheery song and beginning to lace the flowers into a crown. Once finished   
he placed it on his head and pranced over to a stream. Looking at his   
reflection, he clapped his hands together.  
"I'm so beautiful!" He cooed.  
"Van-sama!! Van-sama!!" Mearle screamed in terror as she bounded   
over to him.  
"Why, what is it, sweet, sweet Mearle?"  
"Van-sama! Hitomi's scaring me!" Mearle yelled as she tugged on   
Van's tank top.  
Hitomi sat on a rock, puffinf on her prescription, smiling like an idiot.  
"Heeheehee…A vision…A vest wearing monkey on a giant donut.   
Heeheehee…Blender go spin, spin, spin…heeheehee…" Hitomi began to   
suck on the joint furiously.  
Van smiled down at Mearle. "She's just having fun." Van smiled.  
Mearle sighed and walked over to Allen, who was looking up at the   
sky.  
"Allen-san?" Mearle asked. Allen took one of his pills and looked at   
Mearle.  
"Yes, Mearle?" He said, his eyes suggestive.   
"Looks like you're the only sane one here." Mearle muttered.  
"Yeah, and you're the sexiest one here." He replied, his voice deeper   
than usual.  
"Uh huh-WHA??!" Mearle screamed. Allen lunged at Mearle and put   
his hands on her back.   
"You heard me, you naughty, naughty kitty!"  
Mearle began to giggle as Allen began kissing her neck. Then the   
little voice inside Mearle said, "What about Van-sama?" Mearle answered   
the voice aloud. "Screw Van-sama."  
Allen stopped abruptly, his eyes lighting up. "Good idea!" He yelled   
as he ran in Van's direction. Mearle sighed in protest.  
  
On the other side of the meadow, Dilandau took another pill as he   
marched through the flowers.   
"Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!" Dilandau sang.  
"Ssssshhhhhuuuuuttttt uuuuuppppp!" Folken yelled. He was   
beginning to get agrivated. Slowly, he unfurled his wings and took to the   
sky to see where they were. Immediately, Dilandau began to jump up and   
down, flapping his arms madly. Folken sighed.  
"Iiiii ffffflllllyyyyy, yyyyyooooouuuuu dddddooooonnnnn'ttttt."   
Folken said. Dilandau stopped abruptly.   
"You fly, I don't! You fly, I don't! You fly, I don't!" He repeated.  
Folken scanned the area. His eyes stopped on Van, who was dancing   
in a circle around a rock.  
"Bbbbbrrrrrooooottttthhhhheeeeerrrrr…" Folken muttered.   
"Dddddiiiiilllllaaaaannnnndddddaaaaauuuu!!!!!"  
"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Dilandau said, taking another pill. Folken   
slowly flew to where Van was, Dilandau yipping and hollering as he   
followed.  
Van turned, a dopey smile on his face. He saw Folken. He began to   
make another flower-crown. Allen was now fondeling Hitomi's hair. She   
stared blankly at him, now on her seventh joint.  
"Look, a giant bunny rabbit…" She muttered, pointing at Allen.  
"Huh?"  
"Oh no. Rabbit try to kill Hitomi." Hitomi replied monotonously.  
"What are you talking about?" Allen asked frantically.  
"Hitomi kill rabbit." She muttered, swinging wildly at Allen.  
"That's it baby! Struggle!" He cooed. Mearle shuddered. She turned   
around and saw Folken flying towards them at an estimated speed of about a   
mile per hour. Dilandau was in front, screaming and jumping like a mad   
man. Mearle screeched and ran over to Van.  
"Van-sama! Youre brother's coming!" Mearle said in fear.  
"Mearle? I love my brother. Don't you?" He asked innocently.   
Mearle growled in frustration.  
Before Folken and Dilandau reached Van, the Dragonslayers dropped   
their stealth cloaks and picked up their superiors. And as added protection,   
one of them picked up Mearle. She began to hiss and scream. Van smiled   
and waved to Mearle.  
"Bye-bye Mearle!"  
"Aww, there goes my biy-atch." Allen sighed.  
"Nintendo take Barbie Doll away." Hitomi replied.  
  
Once again on the floating fortress, Folken took another pill.   
Dilandau started to slap the Dragonslayers in a rythym, for no particular   
reason.  
"VAN-SAMA!!" Mearle screamed.  
"SSSSSHHHHHUUUUUTTTTT UUUUUPPPPP!"  
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Dilandau screamed.  
"Hmph." Mearle sighed while folding her arms. Once Folken was   
taking another pill, Mearle sneaked into the next room. It was dark, except   
for a giant globe that was illuminated with an old man's face.  
"Folken?" It said. Mearle gulped  
"Um, no, I'm Mearle. Who are you?"  
"I am Dornkirk." It replied.  
"Who?" Mearle asked.  
"Nevermind. What are you doing in here? Where's Folken?"  
"Um, out there." She replied, pointing to the hallway.  
"Arggh. Well, I'll talk to you then."  
"Okay."  
  
Outside, Folken was debating whether or not he should throw   
Dilandau over the side of the Vione. Dilandau had discovered that his pills   
tasted good with cherry Cool-Aid. His mouth was sticky and red and   
moving very rapidly.  
"Unma naduba cuba nu."  
The Dragonslayers thought it was a new language their genius   
Dilandau-sama had learned. Folken knew it was just jibberish. Dilandau   
began to bounce around the edge of the deck.  
"Wwwwwaaaaatttttccccchhhhh ooooouuuuuttttt, yyyyyooooouuuuu   
mmmmmiiiiiggggghhhhhttttt fffffaaaaallllllllll oooooffffffffff…" Folken   
warned. At that moment, Dilandau's balance left him and he fell off the   
side. Folken sighed as very slowly, his wings unfurled. As Dilandau   
plummeted to his eminent doom, Folken 'flew' down at approx. ½ mph.  
  
"Oh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful day!" Van sang,   
flying for sheer enjoyment. Suddenly, Dilandau landed in his out-stretched   
arms. Dilandau cuddled Van's head.  
"My hero! My hero! My hero!" He shrieked, his eyes clamped shut.  
"You're very much welcome!" Van replied. Dilandau's eyes opened,   
then dilated when he saw Van.  
"VAAAN!" He shrieked, drawing his sword. He began to swing it   
wildly, clipping off pieces of Van's hair.  
"Oh Dilandau, you're so nice. You're my best friend…" Van cooed.   
Dilandau began to bash his head in with the handle of his sword. The blow   
knocked Van unconcious and he fell from the sky, along with Dilandau.   
Unfortunately, they landed on Allen and Hitomi.  
  
One week later…  
Now placed in traction, Dilandau's eyes fluttered open. His head   
pounded from the overdose of the energizer.  
"W-what happened?" He asked. Across from him, Allen moaned as   
he woke up. Hitomi, who was next to Allen, did the same. Van was still   
unconcious.  
The door creaked open and Millerna appeared.  
"Hi everyone! I'm you doctor!" She said.  
"AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Everyone screamed, except for Van, who was   
still unconcious.  
"W-Weren't you fired?" Allen asked.  
"Me? Fired? Why?" She asked.  
"For our prescriptions DAMMIT!" Dilandau shrieked.  
"Oh, I'm not registered to work with prescriptions, silly."  
"Then why did you give us prescriptions?" Allen asked.  
"I did? Oopsie." Millerna laughed.  
Everyone growled, except for Van, who was still unconcious…  
  
Four months later…  
  
Everyone was well and healed and released from the hospital, right as   
rain. Except for Van, who was still unconcious…  
  
THE END  
  
  
  



End file.
